My Blog

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2011-04-03T14:05:00.001+08:00

Are You Happy?

From now, I blog no more.

hello again.

2011-03-30T13:22:00.002+08:00

I'm back, since a very long time.

so much sorrow. mayhap too much.
In the space of 4 months or so that I didn't blog, much has changed in my life.
Some things I wished stayed the same or to go back to the way they were.
Some others, I am glad for.
The difference is evident.

I have now friends I can call truest to my fullest extent I can comprehend.
I have reignited my passion in reading. For now I have changed sights to romance novels and specially eyecatching would be of the medieval era of knights, magic and mystics.
I am bound to a test on the 28 April 2011 for driving and quite possibly may fail.
For my instructor is a douche and as sarcastic as can be.

Year 2 has ended and the last year awaits.
Can't believe how fast it takes, to get into this and out as well.
I wish only all went well.
If not might as well go to hell.
Studies went well, much better than before.
But to meet my expectations I will need to work harder even more.

The style in which I speak, come not from winded tales,
But from the passion I found.

not seeing you is more than enough reason to feel sad.
really can't believe I had said this before..
but as it is it still is.
I swear you have been the trigger to my tears, the gash of my pain, the hole in my heart.
Countless in my life already I can say is the number of times I shed tears for you.
Before you I never knew, that I could possibly feel this way.
Now without you I am all grey.
I know not how to overcome these feelings for you.

It's just feels like I'm running out of time..
And so true I will feel, unless you tell me that there is a me and you.
I held and am holding on for so long, not knowing what will come and what will not.
But now, all seems a virtually.
I am exasperated.
I am confused.
I am hurt.
I am miserable.
I am pitiable.
I am tired.
I am heartbroken.
All this because of you I dare say, and only the heaven knows how much I wish for you to correct this in the way that I want.
I do not understand what you have been through and thus I can offer no advice.
But from my eyes I don't see true in what you say and what you do.
Accept and pass it is all I can say. Not to forget, not that way.
It happened for a reason and I pray the reason is us.
All this and I don't know what to do.
All this because of you.

Might there be a time when I will give up?
I do not know, for I do not wish so.
Damned.
I know not how much longer I can't hold.
And forever, is a definite no.
Sooner or later, the latter I hope.
Never would the best but we both know that's a given no.
So please, let me know you are worth it.
Else, I might go.

Wouldn't it be ironic that I will show you how to move on?

This to show how much I care.
You might be too hard to love I swear.
And at the end of my life, I'll make sure you're there.

All this I write with a tear in my eye, and with my word that it is with truth I speak.
Now that I let it all out, whoever you might be, won't you come to me?

Might I set a time when it's enough?

Might I add, ITS 2011!
And the best of 2010 was to meet you, and also mayhap it be the worst.
And so I shall end this post, first of the new year, and with hope, not the last.

fuck, it's december.

2010-12-10T23:36:00.002+08:00

it just feels like im running out of time..

and suddenly i dont feel like blogging.

:) with you

2010-11-24T03:17:00.005+08:00

seems like tuesday nights/wednesday mornings are the time for me to blog.

starting out with recent stuff:
bought my third pair of soccer boots since poly life and this time its a adizero f5 white/black and pink! though I kinda really wanted the chameleon purple..
that was on monday, a really mayhem monday!
morning overslept, or didnt want to wake up.. went to school for gym and instead left after arrival to go to tamp stadium gym with keithy..
reached there and found out its ladies hour on mondays 2-4pm.. and then we went to bedok gym and wtf entry was $2.5..
after that went to peninsular to check out boots for the second time as on saturday i already went but couldnt decide..
right now staying up to watch UCL soccer.. though the spurs game is tomorrow night..
JUST GOTTA BLOG ABOUT SPURS 2-3 WIN AT ARSENAL WOOO!! CANT BELIEVE IT!! OF ALL PEOPLE TO GET THE WINNER IT WAS KABOUL!! and it was his first goal for the club! imagine the riot if gallas got it instead..
that night had a sleepover at my place with zx, keithy, and casey, and jo who left after the derby..
played poker during the matches and then changed to jim rummy or w/e it is till about 4-5am and next day was damn cui hahas!
went to queensway sc the next day and really thought i'd get my boots there,
but every time it seems that when I go out with my parents and my brother, with my intention to go out and purchase something.. it ends up with him buying and me going home empty handed

school work is really on/off.. slacked too much last week and last night had to stay up to 5am to finish health psych contract.. though mostly I was watching watchmen on hbo..
planning to finish up all online quizzes this week as well..
and i keep forgetting to ask my mom to get more dry fit clothes :/

and tomorrow (when i wake up) starts health psych monitoring peroid!
gotta watch my food that's all for 2 weeks. and then the intense gym/workouts/run/diet intervention which can be totally faked LOL!
actually i might as well have to already enter some data since I ate a cheesecake after midnight..

COYS!! for UCL tomorrow night! 1 more win and we're thru to the KO stages!

feeling too many ups and downs recently as well..
just some of the things have I been doing I don't like at all..
reminiscing about it already just makes me feel sad.
wednesdays nights suck. long day at school really doesn't make my day at all..
all is fine until after c&c i guess..
don't know why but it's kinda been a weekly thing..
hopefully it ends tomorrow..

not seeing you is more than enough a reason to feel sad.

long post this huh. might there be more?

I'm lost

2010-11-10T01:36:00.002+08:00

school work is pretty normal.
gonna work as a waiter at pasir ris park pretty soon to cover my extreme expense =/
and of cos to save abit for a holiday/driving tests..
I hope not, but child psych seem to be the weak link for this sem..
for a reason clear only to myself.

personal life nothing much has changed.
frequent dips in mood, sudden changes all not the rarest in my life.

I really have to focus on moving forward.

time

2010-10-25T14:08:00.002+08:00

been quite awhile since the last post..

starting off from the just-over holidays..
mostly were short-term work..
had a job at lexis-nexis doing qc which was pretty awesome.
also usually worked at boonlay just to sell ppc to banglas..
worthwile money except its on sundays which some I want to watch football..

then it was the 2nd time in 2 years trip to Australia.
this time was for my cousin Belle's wedding..
which was awesome! a buffet combined with dinner and dance!
food was super delicious esp the baked potatoes, beef and lamb.
next super highlight of this year's trip was shopping!!
bought like 2 sweaters, 6 tees, 2 shoes..
there was the place which was like a warehouse sale shopping bazaar..
tees at AU$5 and other stuff which were damn cheap.
probably missed out only on visiting and touring other places since it was only a 5 days trip..
stayed at surfer's paradise and didn't go the beach at all too..

after I returned really nothing much was done..
usual sunday working and some weekends soccer.
and now its already over..
but I have not gone school yet..
for today I PASSED my btt!!
damn hennnng, 45/50.. 1 more question wrong I'd fail..
Practically 1 attempt as checking through i also didn't change any answers..
now I've signed up for ftt during january, and applied a provisionary driving license to learn..
me and cousin hoping to finish by chinese new year.. like amazing if we can..
just came home as well, and cut my hair and now slacking till my official first day back at school..
or unless I decide against going tomorrow.. which is probably a lecture from 9-11am..

speaking of which, this sem's timetable seems pretty ok..
mondays to wed start 9am.. and wednesday ending at 8pm!! wth!
but fridays probably won't need to be in school, only cgi from 11-12pm..
which is like, serious waste of time, though might play soccer in school in evening.
other than that hopefully everything goes well for the rest of the year and carry on next year!

nothing else, back to clearing anime before it stacks up again and to get up to date with criminal minds and bones, when they download finish..

spambots

2010-09-10T02:44:00.002+08:00

exams are out the window, so i feel that so i should be.
best chance for any salvation would be hrm.
maybe the experiment worked, maybe not, too many other factors to consider.
but i will try it again whenever i study, not just during exams..

just finished a jog of about 9km, which my timing was real slow like walking pace really.. been slacking the whole day since i came back from lunch after the final paper of the exams.
bought some icash for better gaming experience with fifa online 2.
other than that really nothing else to do..

now the holidays are here, should get work quickly.
don't wanna laze at home all day all week.
though next weekend i'll be flying off to australia for cousin's wedding.
hopefully can get many flipflops there at cheap prices.
maybe can get a belt there as well..

meanwhile, gonna shop real soon for formal pants and a shirt, to wear to the wedding dinner. other than that i want a uniqlo sale! want a long sleeve tee, the blazer lookalike filmsy cardigan, mickey mouse tees, maybe that cotton berm/shorts, and maybe boxers. also want a pair of black vans or whatever shoes i find nice.. though i doubt my mom will buy me shoes anymore. the guess sweater i saw the other day looked quite nice.. and the gap pull over was nice as well, and pretty affordable at $60 i think..

so far worked about 4 days and earnt about $200, hopefully before the trip can earn abit more, so that i can buy that sony mp3 headphones that is the sweatproof type which would be the perfect companion to my iphone to use the distanct/route tracker and not ipod at the same time since it'll dirty my soon to be spoilt headphones and sucks the battery like a thirsty vampire.

right. im out of stuff to make another really long post. so maybe the next time i'll blog about is after im back from my trip to australia.

right now, im still undecided with what to do..
maybe i'll wait till im back from the holidays to think about it.

pass and past.

2010-09-07T02:02:00.002+08:00

I miss secondary school times...
starting off with the food..
the western food stall that doesn't really sell western stuff, like fried rice and beehoon and expensive chicken chop...
the new stall which sells homecooked food and the one time tried to overdose my charsiew rice with so much sauce...
the malay chicken rice stall which was never the best nor worst, with mashed potatoes which they served on the plates like boobs lol.. and the nugget craze they began by illegally selling them..
then the lakes stall which I hardly ate the dimsum..
and beside it, the most renowned oil chicken rice stall, which even the change the aunt gave was oily... good taste, no queue, but always the risk of dying earlier my friends and I used to joke, along with "aunty, Jia you" literally meaning add oil...
then the new mix rice stall with the really suan qian owners.. not one of my favorites..
at the end of the line is the 2nd drink stall which I never went to anymore after sec 1 I kept on buying the jelly joy..
lastly the drink stall, which more reminds me of the snacks they sell like garlic bread biscuits, corntos, tiger biscuits, and ovaltine...

can't believe it's all over.. when it was the time I was in the classroom on the chair thinking when will all this be over..
some people I miss.. some I certainly don't.. and others I don't give a fuck..
I wished I invested more time into my cca and sports.. then again there was no soccer club and the basketball was for cca-less people...

I miss the dnt fun the class used to have.. slacking since it was the last lesson of the day, smashing the hammer on the metal block to make mining sounds.. the lessons which were enjoyable, with only 5 students who took O level during sec 4, and then during sec 5 we had 3 hours free time every week..
I still remember the "fun" physics class where the most important thing is to not listen to the teacher and just focus on the ten year series.. one day this answer, the next day she gives another..
the sad English classes where my class had like 7 different teachers.. and the last teacher to teach us was half a joke.. from explaining a comprehension passage in detail that we go from English class to the discovery channel and national geographic..
then there's pe, where if not basketball or soccer it's usually damn sian.. in my final year remembered our teacher handed us the napfa score sheets to ask us to "check" and "correct" anything wrong.. I think most of us got the gold award that year..
chemistry I just miss the not much nonsense teacher.. she remembered the periodic table and the mass and electron number or each element.. wished I payed more attention during her class.. probably the thing that made me regret my o level results the most..
humanities were awesome, social studies, the class drilled until solid, all thanks to the super teacher we had.. geography was a little less than very good, teacher went away on maternal leave halfway, with a weird guy taking over.. nonetheless I still appreciate what they taught and I learnt..
Chinese sucked all the way. only during sec 1 or 2? did I really feel I could do it since I was having tuition.. and the leaver teacher in sec 4, and the worst thing to happen is to get a former clb teacher teach during sec 5, which was like a statement of abandonment to us..
mathematics, e or a, I just so miss the numbers, calculating, formula and even the simple counting... though i felt really outcasted for the last year since I was the only person in the class not taking the paper.. the class, which was taken by our form and co-form teacher was fun, but sad I didn't get to enjoy it fully.. I don't think I'll ever see my sec 4 teacher who I just want to thank her for teacher me since it's partly down to her for my grade..

I miss the rainy mornings or wet floor which are the best, heading straight to class, not having to give a fuck when they play the national anthem or pledge..
I loved the time when it was the so called study break where school went on, but it wasn't compulsory.. the day I came just so happened to be a day I got called up to receive an award.. which my teacher was also surprised to see me.. pretty scary though, my hair was quite long and shirt wasn't properly tucked in..
almost everyday, recess would be chiong food and get to counseling room to slack.. then sometimes not open we would sit outside till the prefects come chase us go to assemble.. which I don't see any point since we go back to class after assembly so might as well not have it..
after school it's usually whitesands or central, everyday see the same stuff also don't care.. just relaxing or eating a late lunch at 3pm.
I gave up my cca after 2.5 years, sadly wished I didn't do so, it could have turned out differently, I never really felt it was worth it there most of the times.. and the times I went there was no reason to be there..

that's was only like 1 year out of 5 I described which was most of the time very fun, but never so appreciated until graduation.. there's this motivational thing as well.. pretty temporary stuff as after weeks it went back to normal.. there was the follow up which I skipped..
also pretty much liked it when I was chairperson for a year.. started out so silly when I volunteered to be vice.. heart was racing like mad when I raised my hand to say I wanted it.. and thanks to a stupid chairperson at that time the teacher said to "swap" and I went WTF NO. but it turned out alright.. for the first few weeks had to give up on food during recess since I had to stay behind to lock the door to the classroom.. during morning had to sit infront no matter how early or late I arrived.. then after anthem and singsong or announcements would go draw key and the dairy from the office.. I wished kept the badge for memories.. thought I gladly gave up my position when someone asked..

I miss those times.. but that was then and now is now.
it's never how long you live, but what you do during the time you live.

borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

2010-08-28T19:01:00.001+08:00

im lazy to change blog skin.
study study study.
work work.

im really bored.

ここだけ

2010-08-20T22:19:00.001+08:00

No, I don't know why.

Damn, I forgot that this post was drafted first instead.
Bloody internet screwed me for the few times since it was bought.
Before this I thought it'd be abstract here, concrete else 2..
but then I guess I'll not..

Gotta distract myself from myself.
Study/YOG break/Holidays has begun..
Studying for exams ain't started and I'm usually slacking at home..
which I'm not exactly happy with.

Somehow, it's gotten really painful..
So different.

tries

2010-08-17T03:02:00.000+08:00

why blog about life when you can blog about death?

wth?

2010-08-10T16:47:00.002+08:00

been quite awhile since the last post.
nothing much really happening cept its the start of the yog study break.
exam is in 1 more month beginning and ending 7-9 sept.
i need to find work somewhere..

yesterday played l4d2 with jo,casey,rueben at the same place last time.
then zx and kim and another 2 frisbee guys joined.
missed whatever happened outside from 7-10pm.

today started with soccer and then slacked at the com lab playing fifa with jo.
and now im back home soon gonna nap.
oh, and saw benny today with a totally changed voice..
like more man added haha!

objective

2010-08-02T00:30:00.002+08:00

today i bought something ive been eyeing for ages.
also bought a soccer ball.

test on tuesday so tomorrow i get to do nothing.
but what i am left to do is dev project, study counseling, and apel.
ahh, its like holiday mode already..

last

2010-07-29T02:02:00.002+08:00

if hesistating would mean death,
what would hesistating death mean?

and havn't i just found a perfect way to waste tissue.

in other news, my grades might not be savable

☂☂☂☂☂

2010-07-27T22:40:00.001+08:00

now i know how miserable i can look.

✖

2010-07-27T22:18:00.002+08:00

it'll be unfair to everyone else.
it fucking will be.

shhh...

2010-07-20T02:40:00.002+08:00

man..
somethings you hear can take a piece of you and just leave.

im guessing nobody reads this stuff anymore.
not that im regularly blogging anymore anyways.

i might have to say good bye, even though i don't want to at all.

like i said. dwelling on it will only make me feel worse.

You.

2010-07-13T23:43:00.001+08:00

worst day ever.

so feeling that i want to kill myself right now..
but the coward me wont take me that far.

jm serjous

2010-07-13T00:52:00.004+08:00

world cup is over.
worked last night instead of slacking at home like usual.
went back to hollandse club abit wantingly.
a fucktard is still there, but i think overall it seems a much better place than before.
i wonder if i shall go back work during the holidays.

backtracking a little more,
watched the second miserable semifinal of the world cup at keithy's place.
cool modern mixed traditional chinese house style haha.
his "silent" dog was adorable.
went home the morning without sleep and skipped the majority of thursday.

slacked throughout the whole weekend without completing a single shit of assignments.
really worth enough to hurt myself..

i feel to pathetic and sorry for myself.

even, like right now.
work from last night meant i had only 2 hours of sleep i napped when i went to school yesterday..
morning had no apel, so i was early 1 hour..

and though my body was crying out for sleep during the whole day, and i slept for about an hour in rmb lecture..
rmb tutorial was also cancelled for revision for next weeks test as well.. so i could have really gone home by 1 pm..

but i guess something else really motivated me to not only get to school but to stay there beyond the time i should have been home.

reached home and slept for about 5 hours and now im screwed for tonight's sleep.
i can get up at 9.30 tomorrow so i'll try to accomplsih something by 2 or 3 am tonight..

here and now.

2010-07-06T20:48:00.003+08:00

it's been awhile since I blogged..

starting with school and work..
Friday was really a fucked up day,
cabbed to school only to find out can't submit..
felt really pissed off until after dinner..
watched the brazil match and jo's place and luckily still had bus or I'd be walking home..

then to the weekend with cosfest...
not as spectacular as last year's.. but it was a good revisit to the otaku side..
went with good buddy wj and met Keith and grace there..
alot more disgusting 3d pigs literally..
bought a brs tee and 3 angel beats pin badges..
the pics I'll upload soon on fb..

then after the first day Keith and Jo came over to watch the world cup..
Keith stayed over as well since we watched the 2.30am match as well..
in between something happened which I don't really want to be reminded about...
went to cosfest again next afternoon alone as usual..
and the weekend was gone like that..

then yesterday,
I can't recall a thing that happened..
usual Monday, school, home and sleep..

then today, skipped social psych tutorial and abit of lecture..
and ended up getting really angry at myself..
completed the filming of counseling sessions..
and somehow really got my mood..

on fh, anything there will be known to alot of people..
on twitter, there's much less people, but not all I can say there..
here, I can type what I want just without mentioning names..

I don't know anymore..
a few days ago I said I give up and it is over and nothing shall happen..
yet now, it's back to square one..

you entered my life..
and now I can't imagine it going on without you..

right now going to sleep..
getting up later to do some work and watch the Uruguay match..

aw[e/w]

2010-06-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

kinda boring to blog already..
a summarized update i guess is all i can do..

from last saturday..
done the social observation which was a total failure imo accompanied with a very bad day,
a mild sunday with my grandma visiting,
the worst ever feeling of monday blues i had,
and today of self-deceit of it'll be a good day, which is working quite well as im still blinded by my own word..

some matters that i wont ever even think of typing it out.

absolutely irregular

2010-06-25T13:20:00.002+08:00

the weekend of work begins tomorrow at 4.30am..
assignments/tasks : social observation at 11am on saturday,
hrm fila chart, read up team management,
social portfolio,
counseling script..

now i got a meeting to write a script for japanese cds role play..

probably not betting tonight..

i think its more than a hint already.

what to do?

2010-06-23T00:33:00.002+08:00

blogging now seems to return to a chore,
yet here the things i say are much more.

new term has begun,
but my assignments are not done.

if i let you go,
the biggest regret in my life it'll be i'll know.

but now is not the time,
to make a blogpost rhyme.

(man that felt awesome..)

over tomorrow.

2010-06-20T00:21:00.001+08:00

1 more day and I have to be in school at 9am or im screwed.

i'll think about social portfolio in a bit,

went to tp for a very brief meeting for counseling project..
and my lappy mouse broke down in school as well..
bought a new wireless chargeable one which atm rox.
arrgh...
i'll submit rmb in a moment as well..

i've been reading mangas for the past week..
seriously, to find such a hobby now is..
that said, im gonna take up piano classes as well.. hopefully..

aw. i shall show a smaller smile right now.

xnicful@twitter

2010-06-17T19:08:00.002+08:00

thats probably where im more active nowadays..

2 days ago i went out properly, to town to play l4d2 with zx gang..
i needa name to mention them easier...
shall think about it until the next blogpost..

originally planned to stay home for another 13 hours or so..
but i went out to buy some junk and drinks..
now im all ready for soccer till late..

tomorrow heading to school for subject selection in the morning..
then soccer in the afternoon..
then out drinking maybe..

& then it'll be saturday.

nothing

2010-06-14T17:39:00.003+08:00

nothing to really blog about these few days since im really doing nothing..

staying at home almost every day..
parents signed up world cup on tv so i'll be home every evening to watch the games.

been watching anime regularly as well as just finished dev psych portfolio..
speed reading manga is fun, but not enough chapters even thought i read many different ones...

no new music recently as well..
its like a calm after the storm.. and its boring..
6 more days to a new term and..

funny it may be..

2010-06-14T15:02:00.000+08:00

when i say see you tomorrow,
i really want to see you tomorrow..

a tomorrow.

2010-06-13T02:34:00.001+08:00

if i disappear now, would i get to start over?

since when?

2010-06-11T16:56:00.002+08:00

ah.

so much for today being for assignments..
woke at 2pm still feeling tired..
then the dark knight's on hbo again..

2010-06-08T23:16:00.003+08:00

soccer at last..
no longer-than-a-day injuries suffered.

i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.

i should be getting to finish all my school work soon..
its already tuesday of week 1 of 2 of the holidays.

how do i.

quits?

2010-06-08T03:04:00.007+08:00

I hate myself for being so unable to charm you, humour you, and even to just raise a conversation..
what i would give...
nothing much cos then i'd have nothing left to offer you..

spent a sarcastic fun 1.5 hours in tp today..
was there just for a project consultant...
then went to tm to window shop but totally did not find what i was looking for..
then again, should i even be looking for it..

what is love?

dirge

2010-06-06T19:13:00.001+08:00

am i missing you?
the break really will confirm it..

work day cut short since i woke up at 2pm.

im afraid to approach cos i dont want to be a bother..
i pretty short on confidence right now..

useless

2010-06-06T02:30:00.002+08:00

sudden rationalization:
keep running/exercising to keep my mind of you..
when my body then refuses to move, id have no choice but to think of you.

& that was what i thought before i ran.
as well as another quote i put on facebook..
and while doing sit ups facing the sky, i thought of another..
also put on facebook..
now im checking what else i wrote on facebook...

either ways, ive decided to 2 days 1 rest for exercising..
as well as to be able to wash clothes. = =
even though i bought new attire =)

ah, while in the shower i also thought of (and felt) this:
i'd be embarassed if you knew ive been thinking and always am referring to you..
but if others somehow knew, i wouldn't..

if somehow you noticed it like someone else, and when i heard it, it was damn obvious.

okay. emo trip time. today was a really thoughtful day..
or full of thoughts rather.. =/
tomorrow's gonna be a work day.

no fears for tonight, i didnt dream last night.
or it was rather the wierdest dream of checking twitter which i then promptly woke up to check twitter.

bass & treble

2010-06-05T04:01:00.004+08:00

if i made an effort,
will i die trying?

just done a good workout and jog around the neighbourhood..
maybe gonna try and get more sports clothes so i can run every night..
might wanna get a set of weights..
pull-ups on the balcony railing hurts the wrists quite some bit..

major liquids overdose as i feel like puking..
i'll wait for water to evaporate then i'll go to bed.

somehow i can't sleep...
am i afraid of the same or similar dream?
but right now i know i am still sane.

not much people blog as much as they did in the past..
stagnation? or did i just start later and thus will end later?
w/e. dead/unupdated blogs are unlinked..
not like i really care why they stopped blogging.

its like, if this fails, my life would end.

unhappier

2010-06-04T13:11:00.002+08:00

it feels wierd when the one giving you the "headaches" is the one asking who does it?
though in this case i welcome the "headaches"..

hrm was half a cake. didnt study till i read a tiny portion 10 minutes before the exam..
used common sense throughout and felt that i will be okay for this.
even though i cant really be bothered.

dreamt of you but i dont remember your face..

wavering.

2010-06-02T22:19:00.002+08:00

it feels like a game of tag..

having long study breaks or an in between exam break sucks..
totally gives me a a holiday mood.
didnt study a shit of hrm today..

i can't tell if your really happy or not

No, I hate you.

2010-06-01T19:28:00.004+08:00

a day like this always leave me sad to know that there will never be another like it..

with every minute I spend with you, the more I am sure..
but I'll never be completely certain..
and it can hurt to hear some things you say and do the things you do.

bloody hrm to go..
studying tmr afternoon I guess...
that said, the paper is 5pm so I have the morning to study as well..

revisit myself.

2010-05-30T22:38:00.002+08:00

i need to stay away from the topic, else its escalatees or hypes..
and then i'll be so more certain but unsure.

studied at t2 gloria jeans again.
1st time in my life consequtively studied for 3 days..
very zombie feeling now..
1 more day, and then a day of possible relaxation and then the final paper.

work or not during the break?
i recently had a dream which i woke up feeling terrible about going to work..
its only 2 weeks..
but i'll be/am broke. planning to save for anything big as well.

until i say its not what im just saying

2010-05-30T00:03:00.002+08:00

it was literally day 2..
@ t2 @ gloria jeans this time..
1 more day to go till the term tests..
and i feel its really wtf to mug like this already..
the study break for exam is like 1 month, so am i gonna mug for 1 month?

right now, i think, im still saying things im just saying..
but i hope that what im just saying turns into something im meaning..
talking about it is very much encouragement and increasing my expectation..
so i soooo want to ignore you..

right now, if i dreamt of you, i'd have every reason to kill myself..

remain as you are

2010-05-29T10:38:00.002+08:00

wtf is with the spam.

the friday night break was much short lived.
yesterday was at t2 studying with jo and kim.
managed to properly read my textbook.
and goal setting was done to ensure constructive studying is done today.
just abit more and i got to prepare stuff and go.

havnt touched a guitar since the fall last week..

and when i heard, omg it is like freaking obvious..
but thats okay... i think..

review

2010-05-27T19:45:00.002+08:00

when i go back and reflect and evaulate for what i have done in any group task,
i always will blame myself for not being better..

a break for the night,
3 days for intense revision.

the self

2010-05-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

during japanese cds tutorial, i sit alone at the corner not cos im being ostracized..
im isolating myself from people i can not relate to and ostracizing them.
sounding like im really pathetic but maybe i just am.
but it just really sucks this term to have no one you know in a weekly class.
with a group project coming up, i fear not having no one to work with, but to work with people i may not want to work with.

then again, its a slack module.. whats more to complain.

breakfast for tomorrow is already settled. now just for a little revision for dev psych quiz tomorrow and editing of the second last of hrm, which is the presentation for tomorrow as well.

uhg, the more i ramble, the more i dislike my current situation..

incidents

2010-05-26T08:37:00.001+08:00

firefox is still whoring itself on fb, hotmail and blogger.

maybe im just sympathy or pity seeking for doing the things i do.

because it still feels i dont belong.

damn

2010-05-24T19:37:00.002+08:00

this is retarded. i am the one who was retarded.
i can just throw it away and get on.

no soft landings for mondays make me sleepy and exhausted..

plan B

2010-05-23T00:55:00.001+08:00

dont' trust people you can't trust.

im fucking doing it myself.

drawing blanks

2010-05-22T20:40:00.002+08:00

played soccer yesterday, and maybe i shouldnt had..
fell head first to the left and now left arm hurts.
hopefully i lost some things i didnt want from that..

work is due tonight..
not sleeping till its done..
hopefully then i can study counselling tomorrow.

hi bye world

2010-05-21T09:22:00.001+08:00

6 and im done. or will i be?

i should be alone there

2010-05-19T17:46:00.004+08:00

shocked at someone appearing in the midst...
thankfully not someone i know..

here, i'm afraid of anyone else..

japanese cds presentation 1 was fine..
and now i have sake for supper.
but because of a fucking anal, I have lecture tomorrow.. z

psp is now my video player.
do work if I have any, if not, guitar and sleep...

with a heavy head and heart

2010-05-18T20:28:00.003+08:00

from one to two. most importantly, will I continue..
but I'm kinda getting used to it...
if I can I will cut..

wrecking myself to the lowest point I can so that the way is up...

time to get to all work no play...

until its all over

2010-05-18T20:26:00.001+08:00

blogging now from my phone at my spot so to satisfy my w/e and so not to sidetrack while chionging work when i am home..

how the fuck can someone find out about this..
if the word is out, i'll probably be dead..

time is almost up.. as day 2 of my miserable week will be gone.
am I on a diet by eating 1 meal a day?
no, im just starving myself..

if depression is really anger inwards, i am fucking angry at myself for being myself and doing the things i do.

i can fake a smile, but i can't force one...

its not worth it.

2010-05-17T23:23:00.004+08:00

stuff i want: another iphone usb charger, new bag, new havaianas, very expensive wwe merchandise.

i'll need to revisit my purpose to smile again.

catch. me.

2010-05-17T00:11:00.002+08:00

i'm always trying.
in the end, i know i'll be left with nothing.

got about slightly above nothing of all my work done today. screwed. myself. really.

actions speak louder than words. i'm fascinated yet disgusted by you.

knife that aren't sharp won't cut, but words you don't mean will still hurt.

for this week. i'll not speak that many words.

rush

2010-05-16T13:06:00.002+08:00

from friday,

it was class, lunch, campaign speech, fish, sleep and fish and then slack.
now its sunday and work should be done.

i'll keep everything in silence.
for now, i really don't want to talk.

closure

2010-05-14T17:27:00.002+08:00

it's always time like these that i want to kill myself...

somehow, i know i known better..

unlike telling a person who can tell others who you don't want to find out..
i'd rather anyone who wants to know find it out on what's written on your blog.

the question is..

2010-05-14T08:18:00.001+08:00

am i going to be sad after this?

ambivalent

2010-05-13T23:59:00.003+08:00

compared to you, everyone else is normal.

guitar-ing everything is so not easy. but its fun to try.

i want to learn drums next.

half empty

2010-05-13T21:36:00.003+08:00

almost done with work, when more is always added.
weekend will have to be spent writing up a draft job description and specification.
theres still counseling quiz 4, rmb assignment 1 and.................
japanese cds also has a presentation which i have to go buy sake...

practice guitar, soccer and fish.
a soooo unwanted dev psych tutorial at 10 tomorrow .

which

2010-05-13T00:03:00.001+08:00

practicing guitar is so much more interesting than hrm =/

9am lecture tomorrow is gg as i have not finished my weekend's work.

angel beats

2010-05-11T23:34:00.005+08:00

いつも一人で歩いてた
振り返ると、皆は遠く
それでもあたしは歩いた
それが強さだった

もう何も怖くない
そう呟いてみせる

いつか人は一人になった
思い出の中に生きてくだけ
孤独さえ愛し笑ってなれるより
あたしは戦うんだ
涙なんて見せんだ

i've always walked alone,
when i turned back, everyone was far away,
even so, i walked on,
that was what strength was.

"there nothing left to fear",
i murmured to myself.

everyone becomes alone someday,
living only in memories,
so i can laugh with my heart, even with this loneliness,
i will fight,
i will not show tears.

Brave Song - 多田葵

i dont put autoplay music cos it freaks me out when i dont expect it.

a place of my own

2010-05-11T21:09:00.001+08:00

i fucking lost my lighter somewhere during the day.

freaking sleepy now. left with hrm notes on job analysis and counseling quizzes.

no idea if i want to get up for cds lecture tomorrow morning.

procrastination

2010-05-10T19:31:00.002+08:00

1 meal a day is totally enough.
out with the old and bad, in with the new, and bad.

yesterday, was supposed to do HRM notes but instead, watched tv, practiced guitar all day..
gonna try and finish yesterday's task for today in a moment.
trying to play anime songs and jpop on a guitar is such a good motivator.

everyday i think to myself, i am gonna do something for you.. and after that moment, "i'll do it another day".
and at the end of the day i feel so pathetic.
i think i should just forgot about all these and everything else.

not for ever.

2010-05-10T14:07:00.002+08:00

i cant skip meals if people ask me out to eat.. =/

overslept for apel in the morning..
a little too excited from Chelsea putting 8 past wigan to claim the title..
blog more tonight when im not in class..

screwed for rmb.

m09

2010-05-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

since thurday night, i ate 1 slice of pizza, 2 mini mars bars, pork chop, some cheese fries and drank alot of ribena..
soft drinks the same amount: 1 can of mountain dew and a fuji apple..
if i were on a diet, i'd be so happy.

i fell asleep on the sofa. i'm getting more tired as each day goes by.
for how long more can i last?

wake up earlier, so i can have some alone time.
finish hrm to the point i can. hopefully buy some stuff i want.
practice guitar till im tired. watch the final matchday of soccer. go to bed.
thats my wishful plan for tomorrow.

oh my

2010-05-08T00:01:00.003+08:00

blogging like, 5 times in less than 24 hrs?

but if all of these was an attempt to make you notice,

so be it.

i don't want to hear your sad voice.

it won't happen..

2010-05-07T23:23:00.002+08:00

i know the reason very well why was coughing so bad today..

but I'll finish what I start even though I know that i'll get sick or something..

I'm blogging so often suddenly...
probably I have alot of crap going on inside my head..
how anything can all change in an instant, i don't know.

I found a good spot on thursday night.. i found a better one today..

i know...

2010-05-07T21:46:00.001+08:00

i found a blogging earlier today.. now @ the ccn day jam & hop...

fishing pushed to next week... everyone's a little too busy..

these kind of things probably will kill me, yet I do them, go for them and unless i am stopped, will continue...

tired... have I been for just the past few days... tired of plenty of things.

still won't/don't have the appetite eat a proper meal..

revert to me

2010-05-07T10:08:00.002+08:00

to fear death, is to live.
its like im going back to who i think i once was and thought i would always be.

practice guitar,
mask myself and go for CCN day,
play football,
rest and fish overnight.

and when i can, i'll sing you a song.

done and gone.

2010-05-07T06:45:00.002+08:00

dropped asleep after around 8 last night after practicing the guitar and being pissed off.

hunger is totally whats keeping me from totally fasting. no bloody appetite to eat a thing. seriously hoping i faint or something one day.

finding an app to start and continue blogging from my phone.

it is what it is.

2010-05-06T18:31:00.004+08:00

stupid people make stupid deductions, stupid decisions and stupid excuses.

all but suddenly, i can't feel glad.

if i didnt have a blog i would be . be what? i dont know.

what i thought

2010-05-05T23:38:00.002+08:00

do i like, have to pay for moments i can feel happy with this kind of feeling right now?
is it like a way of telling me happiness can only be chased, not obtained?
is this supposed to protect me from what running after the impossible can do?

like this, i won't be around, can't be found.

like. hell?

2010-05-05T23:25:00.002+08:00

i need to get AWAY from here.

something just got over & i totally dont feel right.
like i've been shredded apart.
this just absolutely got me & i dont fucking know why.

i forgot.

2010-05-04T23:30:00.002+08:00

I have totally forgot what I wanted myh title and what I supposed to blog right now due to facebook grabbing my full attention...

today was pretty tuesdays like tuesday. nothing happened and will probably happen in any and every case..
got a prepaid line for an active second phone which i had always wanted but i now have, i have no idea what i am going to do with it...
hrm is heavy workload shit stuff which is crazy with peer teaching. social psych is like "how do you study for this? what kind of questions is gonna be asked?"

constantly look at my older posts to see if i posted that already...

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
counselling quiz and facebook summore.
RMB assignment 1 is out and due, theres hrm notes mindmap, fila and many more.

You should read my blog

2010-05-03T23:46:00.003+08:00

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

no woes except about no fish from trips.

got a ugly france hp bag and hp strap for getting a singtel prepaid line.
at least the bag is now a holder for monopoly deal cards.
in the first dreadful class of apel, i said shit too many times to remember and for it to become the vulgarity of the day..

no smiles until i am certain.

Right now

2010-05-03T00:49:00.005+08:00

I may have found myself a reason in you.

I know I can't wish for a fairytale, but then again theres nothing wrong with expecting....
except when you expect so much that you place yourself in the most vulnerable location to be hurt.
so many small things in life I can give up.. you are certainly not one.

NO MORE EMO STUFF.. I hope
(other than about fishing nothing every weekend)

Do I Want To?

2010-05-02T14:16:00.001+08:00

I don't know,
but as long as I can, I will wait for you.

iPhone here, PSP there, & and Laptop that doesn't go anywhere..

2010-04-21T20:54:00.002+08:00

an anime marathon will be so useful right now to clear up my laptop space.
1st class skipped this new school year was japanese cds lecture..
hopefully i won't oversleep for anymore early classes.
coughing like mad for the past few days..

somehow, there's always an irritation thick skinned act know-it-all person in any japanese class i am in. hearing his/her voice makes me want to high-five his/her face.

Heartbreak

2010-04-18T16:12:00.002+08:00

psychology and counselling would be useful at these times.
kinda expected anyways.

FO is over. Voice was gone and is now 75% back.
Timetable sucks, but I got the cds of my choice.
Still want to go fishing and hoping to find more people to fish with.

days are over

2010-04-13T20:21:00.002+08:00

being home on tuesday afternoons frees up my saturdays.
being home on wednesday afternoons and friday nights keep my weekend free.

kinda of regretting for getting an iphone which cannot be hacked.
should be going out for some reason now.
tomorrow starts poly year 2 for real.

another time maybe..

2010-04-12T21:06:00.002+08:00

=/
i'll whine another time.

my chance came and went by

2010-04-03T07:53:00.003+08:00

its like a bad habit, only worse.
its like a ritual, only more extreme.
its an addiction, which will take more than what it seems to rid.

i should really watch anime more quickly.
or maybe i should drop.

fishing for 2 straight nights and 3rd time in 7 days.
0 fish count.

let me restart by loving what i hate,
so probably i might be able to like the myself that i hate.

最低

2010-03-26T22:13:00.003+08:00

why do my favourite pen knife always go missing..

with work, time flies really fast. holidays will be over like they always will be.

needs a small hand drill,
medium size tray box to put stuff,
lotsa hooks and weights, lighters and maybe another pliers.
want another fishing tackle.
as well as another bag/pouch, more bermudas,
i need to break this fucked up rituals.
wake>ritual>work/play>ritual>sleep is getting to be the worse.
and i fucking considered picking up a bad habit.
even though i was having the best sleep in weeks, a dream where I felt so pissed really worked against it.
and then i couldnt sleep well the next night last night.

sleep and hobbies just keep me away from a harsh suicidal reality, or myself.

i see clearly

2010-03-24T02:28:00.002+08:00

slow loaded and sudden music from blog really freaks me out.
sleep and work, like for the past 9 weekdays.

i never make it

2010-03-24T00:41:00.006+08:00

never thought i would be living such a life.
too much unimportant stuff in my head.
another day passed is another day closer to death in every way.

probably 2 and a half week after next would be free me.
finally gonna have a chance to fish again,
but plenty stuff is needed.

This is awesome:

fucked up size and scale

love me or hate me

2010-03-20T00:29:00.001+08:00

won't anyone join me in the silence?

ouch cardboard 2, my hands 0

gone today, goner tomorrow.

2010-03-19T00:11:00.003+08:00

screw with me, i'll screw your whole life ten fold
rub it in my face, i rub your face on the floor.

always the end of days do i wonder why have i not killed myself yet..

on this day..

2010-03-11T02:25:00.002+08:00

walkin in and out of pasir ris park wasnt such a good idea...
and so much sake just for a medium ice milo in the end..
and felt the effect of alcohol for the 1st time in my life.

now a delay in the psp, gaming, anime and money making scene has ended.

until week 0.

what a threat to my life

2010-03-09T22:52:00.003+08:00

suicidal feelings after events like these make me wonder how will i and how did i survive longer continuous human interaction.
roads,stairs and buildings seem to resounding.

a broken mentality, eventual will and missing basic instincts.
sometimes i wonder if i am really capable of showing strong emotion in front of people.

from the bottom there's no way to go but up, but there always seem to be a hell after hell and beyond.

ugh, sleep usually cures, but i wonder what happens if it doesn't.

busy all around. not like i didnt ask for it..

appearing noises

2010-03-07T23:18:00.002+08:00

last 3 days was spent on serve, return and smash aces,
and over.
2d side scrolling metal slug xx was completed in hours and plenty of retries.

now moving on to killing the dead in hell.

thrill

2010-03-07T03:49:00.002+08:00

apparently, i melted my comb with my hair dryer today.

gaming culture: you do it in the game, you did in irl.

おかえり

2010-03-06T02:08:00.003+08:00

its so difficult to maintain friends who don't share the same interest.

current psp line:
digimon world 2, dante's inferno, みんなのtennis, metal slug xx, macross iltimate frontier.
next up: .hack//link, blazebluP, kenka banchou 4, monster rancher 2, digimon world 3, nogizaka haruka, lunar silver star harmony/+.
behind: fate/unlimited codes, queen's blade, sunday vs. magazine, 30s hero, dice-dice fantasia/+.

inadequate

2010-03-04T23:37:00.003+08:00

i need more eyes and hands.
cant properly watch anime while playing the psp, while i can probably dry my hair and eat some supper.

~psp games galore~
i need alot more time to play them, or not, i will delete and replace with newer games.

differences

2010-02-27T01:52:00.000+08:00

it isnt about the headset,
its about the player.

psycotism

2010-02-25T21:05:00.003+08:00

its the beginning of a soon-to-be short lived vacation.
& i now have a indefinite sense of boredom and the urge for isolation.

summarizer

2010-02-23T12:07:00.003+08:00

percog was only the calm before the storm.
though my answers were all not too long.
physio murdered me.
from c+ to c cfm.

ohh no surprise really.
when all i can think of is taming, grinding, digivolving, dna-digivolving.

oh and printer ink is daylight robbery.

2010-02-21T00:57:00.001+08:00

my body screams play,
my heart says go,
my mind says no.

i end up doing nothing.

no expectation = no disappointment

2010-02-19T02:08:00.001+08:00

there is always 2 solutions to anything.

this is interesting indeed: http://squallsdead.com/
anyone who played FFVII should read it.
(a warning for creepy screenshots near the mid-end)

holiday?

2010-02-18T18:41:00.002+08:00

from CNY, it was Plants vs Zombies,
now, a coincidental timing of completion has led me to digimon world 2,
then 3, and lastly monster rancher 2. old school psx rpg/adv games.
including a 3 unfinished + 2 if i decide to play.

screwing myself for this sem.

a Game

2010-02-17T23:03:00.002+08:00

I miss maths,
but that part's over.

conditional appetite,
unsatiable hunger.

risk taking is so me,
days before exams, games and everything seem more fun.

try i can only do.

2010-02-12T18:58:00.001+08:00

since i failed to wake up as i failed to sleep,
i will go for night running instead.

if, not when.

2010-02-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

im fat =(
gonna have to begin regular jogging.